A Change of Seasons

An excert from the Dream Theater EP 'A Change of Seasons'

I remember a time
My frail, virgin mind
watched the crimson sunrise
Imagined what it might find
Life was filled with wonder
I felt the warm wind blow
I must explore the boundaries
Transcend the depth of winter's snow
Innocence caressing me
I never felt so young before
There was so much life in me
Still I longed to search for more
But those days are gone now
Changed like a leaf on a tree
Blown away forever
into the cool autumn breeze
The snow has now fallen
and my sun's not so bright
I struggle to hold on
with the last of my might
In my den of inequity
viciousness and subtlety
struggle to ease the pain
struggle to find the sane
Ignorance surrounding me
I've never been so filled with fear
All my life's been drained from me
The end is drawing near....

Finally managed to verify a result in a paper, turns out the proof is trivial once you know the missing link. Now I need to work on a result that promises to be much more tricky, hope I won't lose too much hair and brain cells in the process. Why must the authors of academic publications always write, "It is easy to see that ....", "The proof is trivial and is ommited", most of the time a lot of hard work goes into the proofs but mathematicians love to use the above 2 lines in papers or some permutation of it. Really drives me nuts sometimes. A professor once mentioned that everything is hard until you know how to do it, how true!

The last few days when I'm not working or training, been spending some time reading through a translation of Richard Wagner's magnum opus "Der Ring des Nibelungen", the librettos can be found here. Operas never interested me much in the past but the story here is pretty engaging once you figured wat's going on. Maybe I should spend some time on understanding some Teochew opera too. The only one that I know off is one where a poor scholar stays in a haunted room in an inn because all the rooms are fully occupied, I remember watching it as a kid and was very much entertained by the actors. Enough of a break, back to the realities of work now.

Courage

Of late I've been reading "Arnhem" by Major General R. E. Urquhart, the commanding general of the British 1st Airborne Division in Operation Market Garden. I must say it has been a wonderful read so far and the acts of gallantry under fire by the paras are incredible. The following is an excerp from the book,

"One of the medical officers, Jimmy Logan, advised Father Egan, the padre with the party, that one of the young soldiers had only a quarter of an hour to live. As Egan knelt by the youngster's side with words of comfort, he reckoned the soldier could not be more than 20 years old.

'If you'll bring me a couple of stretcher-bearers along, Padre,' the young man said quietly, 'I can handle a rifle. Just let them put me in position.'

Already in this battle, Egan had seen much gallantry. "I'm sorry,' he said disarmingly, 'but the stretcher-bearers are too busy just now.'

The soldier was placated, but remarked: 'I only hope the others don't think I'm letting them down.'

Egan stayed with him until he died."

Reading this reminds me of a remark by one of the green berets in 'Black Hawk Down', it goes something like this, "Why we go out there is not for the country, but for the man standing next to you." Going back to Operation Market Garden, the 1st Airborne was never to recover from the losses suffered in that battle, of 8905 officers and men plus 1100 glider pilots, only 2163 had returned with the rest being dead, captured or missing. 5 Victorian Crosses (Britain's highest medal for bravery in combat) were awarded, 4 of them being posthumous, details can be found here. Sometimes I wonder how I'd react when under fire, I guess all I can say is that I hope we won't ever have to find out....

A little off topic, but here's a cool video of a jump and my current collection of SF and airborne books.

Went downtown today to grab a couple of cds, recently I've been totally hooked on Stravinsky's three ballet pieces, namely, The Firebird, Petrushka and The Rite of Spring. In fact, I bought 2 Stravinsky cds, same music but with different conductors and orchestra. :) Picked up a copy of Edvard Grieg Peer Gynt and Sibelius's Finlandia as well. Enjoying the music now in the still of the night and alone in my room where I can indulge in some quality music after a long day.

Salt

Everyday we're so caught with work, family, friends, other halves that we miss out on something that is so very important, i.e, ourselves. When was the last time you took an entire day off to spend a day all by yourself? Having lots of great company is akin to having a feast with many different delicacies, however not knowing how to spend quality time with oneself is like not having any salt or flavour to the feast laid out in front of us. Maybe it's human nature that makes us afraid of being alone, but my opinion is that only when you can appreciate and indulge in your own company than can one truly enjoy the company of others.
Time to Zzzzz, spent the last 3/4 days running and did weights yesterday when I didn't run. My body's taking a real beating, 不认老都不行. But knowing that you're getting fitter somehow makes me feel formidable, almost invulnerable... hehe. :-)

8 days of hardship and return to innocence

Mum's gone away to Shanghai for a well-deserved break... gonna have to do things all by myself, wash clothes, cook. Sis so bz of late that I hardly c her, not home after I'm back at 3+, guess I have to do the chores... As for the floor, think I'll just sweep and mop on the day she's back... haha Been quite decadent the last few days, drinking, sleeping late, smoking a few fags (which I will stop, I think). End product, ran a miserable 14min for 3k earlier.

I had some interesting and engaging conversations with some old pals, in particular about "Return to Innocence". Sometimes when you're younger we might be adventurous and try out funny stuffs which we shouldn't have on moral grounds. When you get older, you snap out of it and want to go back to what you once were... It's easy to make a white sheet black, but from black to white is impossible the best we can do is gray. In four words, we can say it's 回头太难. Of course you can also choose keep things to youself and 'appear' white. I don't advocate lying but sometimes it's better not to tell the truth. The truth can cut like a scythe through grass, not everyone has a heart big enough to handle the truth. Relationships break down because sometimes we don't wanna lie and cannot tell the truth. I wonder if there exists a way around the deep dark secrets that I believe most of us carry?

Will be updating the blog once I'm free to do some html coding, well I hope I dun delay too much. Have some ideas running through my head, just need to implement them... Like they say "Procrastination is like masturbation, you only end up f****** yourself.", though the consequences of not updating a blog won't be as serious as being slow in completing work. Later!

Virgin Post

My virgin post, after much careful thought I think most people wouldn't give a friggin' damn about what goes on in a stranger's life. It'd be better for me to write about what I see and observe about the world through my hopefully not too myopic vision.

A couple of weeks ago, I caught the show Closer with some friends. The main characters in the show are Natalie Portman (Alice), Jude Law (Dan), Julia Roberts (Anna) and Clive Owen (Larry). In a nutshell, the show's about betrayal and deception in human relationships, some of the scenes are really raw emotinally, will somehow stick in your head and leave you pondering. One of the best parts has to be the "caveman" scene, Anna comes clean about her affair with Dan to Larry (her husband) and they have an intense argument,....

Larry (L): Is he a good fuck?
Anna (A): Don't do this.
L: Just answer the question, is he good?
A: Yes.
L: Better than me?
A: Different.
L: Better?
A: Gentler.
L: What does that mean?
A: You know what I mean.
L: Tell me.
A: No.
L: I treat you like a whore.
A: Sometimes.
L: Why would that be?
A: I'm sorry...
L: DON"T SAY IT. Don't you fucking say you're too good for me. I am but don't say it, you're making the mistake of your life. You're leaving me because you believe you don't deserve happiness but you do Anna.
L: Did you had a bath because you had sex with him? So you wouldn't smell of him? So you'd feel less guilty?
L: How do you feel?
A: Guilty.
L: Did you ever love me?
A: Yes.
L: Did you do it here?
A: No.
L: Why not?
A: Do you wish we did?
L: Just tell me the truth.
A: Yes, we did it here.
L: Where?
A: There. (points to the sofa)
L: On this? We had our first fuck on this, did you think of me?
L: When?
L: When did you do it here?
L: ANSWER THE QUESTION!
A: This evening.
L: Did you cum?
A: Why are you doing this?
L: Because I wanna know.
A: Yes, I came.
L: How many times?
A: Twice.
L: How?
A: First he went down on me then we fucked.
L: Where was he?
A: I was on top then he fucked me from behind.
L: And tat's when you came the 2nd time?
A: (mumbles) Why is it that sex is so important?
L: BECAUSE I"M A FUCKING CAVEMAN!!
L: Did you touch yourself while he fucked you?
A: Yes!
L: You wanked for him?
A: Sometimes.
L: And he does?
A: WE DO EVERYTHING THAT PEOPLE THAT HAVE SEX DO!
L: You enjoy sucking him off?
A: YES!
L: You like his cock?
A: I LOVE IT!
L: You like him cumming in your face?
A: Yes!
L: What does it take like?
A: It tastes like you but sweeter!
L: That the spirit! Thank you. Now fuck off and die! You fucked up slut!

Actually reading doesn't do the scene a favour, the intense emotions played out there must be seen to relive it in its full glory. Half a year if someone asked me if I would cheat I would give a straight no, nowadays suddenly I'm not so sure. Sometimes it feel like we've grown up too fast, relationships becomes so complicated that it's really scary. I wish things could be simpler, but it's not and we just have to deal with it. Please get hold of Closer and tell me who's the best "player" in the show, if not for the story at least do it for Natalie Portman!